unrequited?
Music help me to have a better understanding of what's going through my mind. I suffers from anxiety and depression amongst other things. But in this post, I am just gonna talk about the guy I gave the privilege to hurt my heart.
So there's this guy whom I like so much at a university i am attending. He has no idea just how much I like him and how much he has made a positive impact on my life and my look on life. I was a lazy bum before I saw him, and he became the reason for me to wake up in the morning to attend early classes in the early of the day. We don't know each other. All I know that he always sit in the same spot right in the side of the road I pass almost everyday, and we also have the same major. And that's just the beginning.
I saw him for the first time while I was sitting in the corridor in front of the faculty. I walked over to a friend as he passed me. I have never seen anyone so bright in my life. He is tall, he looks so bright that he can brighten my dark life, literally and I am falling in love.
I don't know him, and he doesn't know me. I suffered for it for 2 years now, but I think I found my way out. He turned out to be one of my friend's family, and my friend told me a little secret about him. "He is a very nice person" he said, and I couldn't believe more. I told my other friend that I like this guy and I didn't know my friend was this good, I was with my best friend as I was walking to the parking lot to hurry home, I saw my friend was calling the guy I like and they both walked towards us. I was so nervous I thought my heart would explode because it's pounding too fast. My friend introduced me to him, and he said what his name is. I already know what his name is. So I said my name, so did my bestfriend. And he reached out to shake hands with me, but I was so stupid. I was so nervous to see him reaching out to me, and I couldn't be more panicked than that. Because I was so nervous, I didn't dare to shake his hand. But my bestfriend did. I was afraid if he knew that I was so nervous standing in front of him that it made my hands as cold as an ice cubes. My bestfriend told me that his hands are cold. I didn't see him holding any cold drinks. Does he also feel nervous? I must be crazy to think of that.
So basically we've known each other now. But the fact that I still can't be brave enough to look at him directly, but only from a distance. Every time we passed each other, I always still bowed my eyes. I don't have the power to look at him, because he is someone who will make me lower my gaze when I see him and he is someone who will make me turn around just to see his back or his footprints.
He's just popular. Too popular. That shouldn't diminish my chances of approaching him, but basically I'm a very shy person who has anxiety. I think of all the consequences before I do something, and it makes me stuck with my situation now.
Little did I know, it turns out an old friend of mine like him too, and it just hits me real hard. I began to think what I have done for his attention, and it's nothing. I have done nothing worth his attention. I expect too much and didn't make any effort to get what I want. I think I should at least dare to say HI to him, believe me I never once greeted him after we know each other. Not even once. I kept thinking that I would regret everything if I didn't start making my move and too stop being concerned about what risks are coming. I realize in a few months I will graduate and the possibility of meeting him again after graduation is like 1% and he might like me too.
So there's this guy whom I like so much at a university i am attending. He has no idea just how much I like him and how much he has made a positive impact on my life and my look on life. I was a lazy bum before I saw him, and he became the reason for me to wake up in the morning to attend early classes in the early of the day. We don't know each other. All I know that he always sit in the same spot right in the side of the road I pass almost everyday, and we also have the same major. And that's just the beginning.
I saw him for the first time while I was sitting in the corridor in front of the faculty. I walked over to a friend as he passed me. I have never seen anyone so bright in my life. He is tall, he looks so bright that he can brighten my dark life, literally and I am falling in love.
I don't know him, and he doesn't know me. I suffered for it for 2 years now, but I think I found my way out. He turned out to be one of my friend's family, and my friend told me a little secret about him. "He is a very nice person" he said, and I couldn't believe more. I told my other friend that I like this guy and I didn't know my friend was this good, I was with my best friend as I was walking to the parking lot to hurry home, I saw my friend was calling the guy I like and they both walked towards us. I was so nervous I thought my heart would explode because it's pounding too fast. My friend introduced me to him, and he said what his name is. I already know what his name is. So I said my name, so did my bestfriend. And he reached out to shake hands with me, but I was so stupid. I was so nervous to see him reaching out to me, and I couldn't be more panicked than that. Because I was so nervous, I didn't dare to shake his hand. But my bestfriend did. I was afraid if he knew that I was so nervous standing in front of him that it made my hands as cold as an ice cubes. My bestfriend told me that his hands are cold. I didn't see him holding any cold drinks. Does he also feel nervous? I must be crazy to think of that.
So basically we've known each other now. But the fact that I still can't be brave enough to look at him directly, but only from a distance. Every time we passed each other, I always still bowed my eyes. I don't have the power to look at him, because he is someone who will make me lower my gaze when I see him and he is someone who will make me turn around just to see his back or his footprints.
He's just popular. Too popular. That shouldn't diminish my chances of approaching him, but basically I'm a very shy person who has anxiety. I think of all the consequences before I do something, and it makes me stuck with my situation now.
Little did I know, it turns out an old friend of mine like him too, and it just hits me real hard. I began to think what I have done for his attention, and it's nothing. I have done nothing worth his attention. I expect too much and didn't make any effort to get what I want. I think I should at least dare to say HI to him, believe me I never once greeted him after we know each other. Not even once. I kept thinking that I would regret everything if I didn't start making my move and too stop being concerned about what risks are coming. I realize in a few months I will graduate and the possibility of meeting him again after graduation is like 1% and he might like me too.
So I sent him a message.
He replied. Looking at how he replied to my messages uninterestedly, I feel that he has no feelings for me, and that reality hits me real hard, AGAIN. He must think that I am annoying, I bet.
Well, without he realize, he's shown me what one sided love and compassion is and can be and I just want him to be happy. I remember sitting in my class at university at the lowest point of my life, I saw him laughing from a distance and I thought, I'm just a someone who will fall head over heals over his smile, not the reason for it and not even the owner, and that breaks my heart knowing the fact that he can't be mine.
Anyway, I'm not giving up. I just want my feelings back in it's place, keeping it safe again. I felt bad at my self for letting my feelings pile up and finally explode. But the thing is, I'm way more afraid of the regrets that will come and haunt me in the future. I'm not gonna complain, because I know I am surrounded by people who care about me and I know I will not regret the decision I made. And yes, It's my wish to hear him talk down about himself, and to see him in such happy feelings. If we are belonged to be together, I hope that he'll find his way back to me, because I know I'm gonna be better than ever, I really do. I would love to be with him more than anything and yes, it is hard to go through life without the one person that makes your life worth living, that's why take risk for once and let your self be happy, because you deserve it.
p.s
I did an awesome job of not dying today!
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