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Learning, Loving, Letting Go

Wow, hi! It’s been forever. Though no one is really reading this blog except me lol. I’m 29 years old now, will be 30 this year . Time flies really fast. For the things I’ve written here, they make me look back at my old life. Pretty wild. Falling in love, self-harming, just a regular update of a fun day of my life. So, long story short, my dad passed away on March 23rd, 2021. And tbh, I haven’t fully recovered from that. I don’t think I’ll ever be. But thankfully, currently, I’m not doing any self-harm, but not gonna lie, I’m not mentally healthy either . But every day I am trying to be okay and be more productive, so that I don’t have unhealthy thoughts . Falling in love? That guy I used to like when I was in university , I still like him, but not in a way that I want him to be my boyfriend. I like him in a way where I support him , I want him to have only good things and experiences in life. Now in 2026, I am focused on being a Korean interpreter, I don’t have a job in the ...
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Surviving

Everyone has their own way of surviving and i believe most people prefer spending time with their friends, family or lover. Me? I prefer being alone. I like being alone. Although i’m surrounded with people, sometimes i just can’t hear or understand what they are saying. I drown into my own thought. My way of surviving is staying away from people who makes me feel bad about my whole being. Sebagai orang yang cukup tertutup dan tidak mudah bergaul, bertahan itu sulit, apalagi seorang diri. Akan ada saja yang menyebabkanmu tenggelam, apapun itu. Saya pernah memposting tentang keadaan saya yang selalu ingin melukai diri sendiri, tepatnya tahun lalu. Perasaan saya saat itu benar-benar kacau, bingung. Saya lupa alasan mengapa saya terisak diatas tempat tidur, tengkurap, menghadapkan wajah saya kebantal agar tidak terdengar kalau sedang menagis. Yang ada dalam pikiran saya waktu itu, melukai diri. Karena, dengan melukai diri sendiri, setidaknya rasa sakit yang tidak berwujud ini aka...
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You

When you fall in love under an umbrella in the rain for the first time, Within the infinite possibilities. In the infinite cycles of the Universe Or Multiverse. We may meet again. Perhaps, We already have.
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To

I did self-harm yesterday, and I hit my cheek as an excuse to cry. I lay down with music on my ears and while the pain in my cheek increased I started to notice everything. The birds calling, the wind blows and the rain hitting the ground. It was like everything was trying to comfort me. I kept thinking what if I cut my vein yesterday? What if I die? I thought to myself. I don't want to die. I don't want to never see the nature, my family, my best friends and I don't want to never see him again. But then when the pain in my cheek was nearly unbearable I said, "Glad I survive." Sometimes to know you're alive you have to feel pain, never take anything for granted. Because how rare and beautiful it is to even exist. Life isn't infinite though, I know that but I don't want to know that. Life is a rare gift and it's filled with beauty, something you shouldn't give up. How beautiful life truly is, and how grateful I am to still be here to see ...
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zone

"There used to be days that I thought I was okay, or at least that I was going to be. I'd be hanging out somewhere and everything would just fit right and I would think 'it will be okay if it can just be like this forever' but of course nothing can ever stay just how it is forever."  — Nina LaCour 
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unrequited?

Music help me to have a better understanding of what's going through my mind. I suffers from anxiety and depression amongst other things. But in this post, I am just gonna talk about the guy I gave the privilege to hurt my heart. So there's this guy whom I like so much at a university i am attending. He has no idea just how much I like him and how much he has made a positive impact on my life and my look on life. I was a lazy bum before I saw him, and he became the reason for me to wake up in the morning to attend early classes in the early of the day. We don't know each other. All I know that he always sit in the same spot right in the side of the road I pass almost everyday, and we also have the same major. And that's just the beginning. I saw him for the first time while I was sitting in the corridor in front of the faculty. I walked over to a friend as he passed me. I have never seen anyone so bright in my life. He is tall, he looks so bright that he can brighte...
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I watched "IT"

Ever since I was little, I've never liked a clown, whatever kind of clown it is. I think it's because they're always smiling in a really creepy way, also making up strange faces, their voices sound strange and it's really scary for me. People will think it's funny, but Oh well not me. But the more I grow, the more I don't like it. Of all types of clowns, I really don't like this one. A clown whose face is full of makeup and uses a red nose. And I also love watching movies in the cinema, horror / thrill movies are my favorite. And today, after my first class ended, my friends invited me to watch a new movie at the cinema. They say they're going to watch "IT". I know this movie is about a clown so I think twice to join or not, because I don't like clown. Well in the end I agreed to go watch it together. Anyway, for someone who doesn't like clown like me, the movie was pretty good actually, really well made. It isn't really scary, ...
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